I’ve been married to a very wonderful man for only 8 months but have been friends with since I was 14. With this being said, I do not take the topic of marriage lightly.
I wanted to briefly speak on this subject because it has come to my attention with a young family member of mine seeking to get married. Very, very soon. I will go on to say that she is 16 and pregnant. She is very close to me and I do think she’s lost her mind to the fact that she “has to get married because she’s pregnant” thought.
I have grown up in the South, where getting married at a young age is considered normal. I was “old” when I got married at 23. I’m “old” for not having a child yet. In the North, I’m way too young to be married. See what I mean. Several of my graduating classmates had already had children before graduation and several others got married straight out of HS. Not me. I had already planned my personal life out well before: get married around 23/24, have a child after 26 but before 30, and have a second child within 2 years of the first. Yep, and I continue on the plan very nicely.
Now, some of those very people have divorced. By their mid 20’s! Crazy in my mind. The divorce costs more than the marriage.
When this family member had made a post on their Facebook page, I was not shock, but shocked. I knew it was going to happen (to my disliking) but I didn’t think it would happen until after the child was born. This is the post:
“Trying to get my head straight. Thinking about just getting married at the court house, and then go to dads to have a cook out with the famly, and friends. MAybe we can next weekend or something. Hopefully.. Comments?? Positive please.”
To which a couple of the comments were:
“I would do it, ***** you to are so in love and i can tell hope you have a great life together”
"Follow your heart girl, but don't forget that true love waits. :)"
I, on the other hand, am really against her getting married. But, since this is family, I’m stuck as to what to say. So, I put:
"Before you make this decision, please think about it. Can you see him with you in 2yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs, 50yrs? Not saying it would happen, but also think about it this way.
It's a tattoo on your heart. Completely permanent, and can never completely go away if you try to remove it. It could be awesome or completely damaging.
Just remember that.
I love you *****."
I hope I put the right thing. I have always been told that I have a good head on my shoulders and that I can normally think clearly about everything, pros/cons, cause/effect, etc. I would hope that I applied myself that way in this situation as well.
I do think people need to seriously think about what they’re getting into before getting married. Ask questions like:
“Is this really who I want to be around and influence me for the rest of my life?”
“Does this person respect me, my thoughts, my will, my being?”
“Am I able to fulfill their wants/needs? Are they able to fulfill my own?”
“Will this person try to abuse me in any way, shape, or form?”
“Does this person interest me other than in bed?” (Seriously, there are people out there who get married just for that alone)
There are more questions than these that can/will be asked. I had to ask myself, “Can you handle being a Capricorn in the same house as another Capricorn?” I had to ask because we do butt heads quite a bit and do think we are right all the time. *But I’m always right. ;) JK*
I think more and more people are taking marriage for granted. Especially young girls. In my mind, I think that they think that it’s another form of a relationship that can easily be stepped out of. Hollywood does not help this either. They think that “Oh, well, if you’re in love, then that’s all you need.” No, it’s not. If it’s just “love” then it will end. People do fall in and out of love. In some ways it can be thought of as an ocean wave. Some times the love is stronger than other times. Most divorces happen when the wave is low. I have seen plenty of former partners get back together after a divorce (and some actually get remarried) because they realized they were going through a rough patch. It makes one ask them, if you didn’t survive the first time, what makes you think you’ll get through the second time? Some have legitimate answers such as maturity growth and making a silly/stupid mistake.
I hope this little post will bring light to someone’s mind to help them figure out if they are making the right choice.
I enjoy additional comments. :)
Personally, I think it is possible to find the person you are meant to be with at a young age. When Nathan and I started dating, he was fifteen and I was seventeen. With that being said, there are a lot of factors in your family member's life right now that she should weigh heavily before making such a huge decision.
ReplyDeleteLike you said, can she see this person in her life in five years, ten years, etc. If a person can't answer that question as "yes," then I don't think they should get married. Why would you want to set up a marriage for a future divorce?
Also, with this person being pregnant, her outlook on life is probably different than it would otherwise be due to fluctuating hormones. I can say from personal experience that being pregnant really affects your mind and your emotions. I would have to ask her if she would have considered marriage with this person BEFORE she got pregnant. If she hadn't then she probably needs to carefully consider this decision now.
I know it is prominent in the south that if you get pregnant at an early age that you should get married. Sometimes, the couple in question are meant for each other. But at such a tender age, marriage is a big decision mounded on top of an already fragile situation. Marriage isn't going to "fix" the issue. In fact, it may compound the troubles.
I think the person you are talking about will definately need a strong support system when she has the baby. It's tough being a new mom, even with a loving and supportive husband. My entire family has been so wonderful and has helped take a lot of stress off. But it still has been challenging for my marriage, and we have been together for nearly eight years!
I do wish her the best in this, and that her decision is made carefully!